It's like I'm dating my blog O_O

Blog telling me to update. Me thinking "STFU."

I've recently come to the conclusion that blogs are like being in a relationship. Okay, so I've actually never been in a steady relationship. (Hey! In all fairness, I have only been wreaking havoc on this earth for X number of years, X being a number less than eighteen.) But by creepily observing the relationships of those around me and analyzing the fake crap that is spewed into my face through the media, I can tell that (like blogs!) being in a relationship is difficult, especially when it comes to keeping said relationship fresh and moving forward (like blogs!). I know my fellow bloggers out there can relate with me.

But if you're still unconvinced (or even if you are), I'll force you to read my entire post like the evil person that I am. BWAHAHA! So anyway, I'd like to prove my point in roughly X number of sections. (X, again, being a number less than eighteen. Hopefully.)

Part 1: The flirting game
There are various definitions for flirting, but for the sake of time, I'll steal one from dictionary.com. Behold, the almighty definition in all its shining glory!

flirt

   [flurt]  Show IPA

verb (used without object)

1.

to court triflingly or act amorously without serious intentions; play at love; coquet.

Okay, it doesn't shine. So sue me. NOW! Imagine that you are triflingly (fail, dictionary.com, that's not even a word!) courting / acting amorously without serious intentions with a cute guy/girl (I'm just going to call this person CG for now on because it's serves the double function of being both ambiguous and easier to type). You're having FUN with this person, and you're excited because you don't know much about him/her. Who knows what untold secrets and dangerous awaits if you choose to embark on this perilous journey? The mystery! The intrigue! The thrills!

It's roughly a similar feeling when you're creating your very first blog. It's so fun because it's just so new. Experimenting with the layout and design of your blog, unsure as to where you're blog will be heading, not knowing whether or not it's going to work out for you, blah blah blah. Same deal, right?

Part Two: The official first date
So you muster up the courage to ask CG out or vice versa, and you've got plans to go on your first official date as boyfriend/girlfriend. How cute. You're nervous, but you've got a cute outfit picked out (or manly outfit, I guess, if you're that type of guy), and you're ready to rock and roll. You are still unsure whether you've made the right to decision to be with CG, but to hell with it, you're just going to have to go on that first date to find out, now won't you?

So you go on the date, nothing necessarily damaging happens, and you're thinking, Oh yeah, I'm totally seeing CG again. 


Now take everything I just said and think about it terms of writing your first post. You've got your nervous but excited mind going over what you want to write, and once it's finally published, you take a sigh of relief and think, Hey, that wasn't so bad. You're ready to write some more. Unfortunately for you, it gets worse. Oh yah.

Part Three: The point of no return 
You go on a couple more dates with CG, and with each date, it only gets harder. You're relationship is not as fresh and exciting as it used to be, and it's starting to get tedious. To top it all off, you actually have a life to attend to! Despite popular belief, you have friends. You also have school, homework, extracurricular activities, blah blah blah. Let's face it: At times, you're left wishing you could just break up with CG. You can't help but think: Whose stupid idea was it to be with CG in the first place!? Oh yeah, it was yours. Good job.

The problem is that breaking up will be more challenging than anticipated. Because there are people depending on you! Mom and Dad will be so disappointed in you, especially since they heartily approved of CG. Your best friend Bob will complain because he, too, had developed a fondness for CG. And your sister Sue will probably send you hate mail because that's just the type of messed-up person she is.

Now think in blog-like terms.


Back to the reality
Wow, that only took 3 sections! I'm so proud of myself. Anyway, as you can see, keeping a blog is freakishly similar to being in a relationship. It's seriously difficult stuff. There are times when I wanted to give up on this blog, but I came crawling back with my apologies, always persevering!  Also, assuming you actually have readers (as of this exact point in time, I don't have any because I remain unloved), there are people depending on you to update!

Sigh. It's a love/hate relationship.

-Mordant Monkey

I'm tired of hearing about unrequited love

That's right. If I have to hear yet another Taylor Swift song about how her love life is terrible and sad and depressing because the boy she likes doesn't like her back, I'm going to seriously commit homicide. Is her pool of topics to sing about THAT limited? Honestly, she gripes about her love life as if it's all she ever thinks about. The world has bigger problems, like poverty and starvation and Sarah Palin! But I'm not here to talk about Taylor Swift. I'm here to talk about her subject matter in itself, the ever-present topic of unrequited love.

Ahhh yes, unrequited love. You know the feeling. We've all fallen for that special someone who ends up breaking your heart because the feeling just isn't mutual. While that's certainly sad.... let's face it - you get over it in a couple months, give or take a few weeks. You move on, you find someone else, and everybody lives happily ever after.

I'm hesitant to say that unrequited love is overrated because that doesn't even make sense. But I'm seriously sick and tired of reading about, listening about it, watching about it. I understand that I always have the option of closing a book, turning off the radio, and switching TV channels, but it somehow keeps invading my life. It drives me INSANE.

Take Taylor Swift, for example. (I know I said I wouldn't talk about her, but she is the perfect target.) I actually kinda-sorta used to like her. But then, her songs got old. FAST. I honestly don't understand where Swift gets all her inspiration from. Her pool of boys seems mighty large if she devotes a song to each and every one of them. Her songs just sound like well-versed whining.

I am also sick of reading novels in which unrequited love is present. I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE LOVE LIVES OF THESE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS! SO STOP TAINTING AN AWESOMELY AWESOME PLOT BY ADDING IN A LOVE INTEREST WHO DOESN'T EVEN LIKE TO MAIN CHARACTER BACK! It's pointless. It wastes time, and more importantly, it wastes the precious trees in which our survival is dependent on for oxygen.

So! The moral of the story is: People had really ought to stop throwing self-pity parties about their terrible love lives. Find some happiness elsewhere, and don't shove your sadness down the throat of someone who could care less. But most importantly...

Don't be a total creep about it.

Thus concludes today's rant. Now that I've vented, I feel better. I think I'll go eat a cookie now.

-Mordant Monkey

Why I'll never be an author

My life-long dream has always been to write my own novel, publish it, make millions, rule the world, and then gleefully watch people I dislike grovel at my feet and beg for me to gift them with my wonderful presence. Realistically, I know that none of things will ever happen, and there's several reasons why they won't. The first step. I'll never be able to get past it. It is physically impossible for me to ever become an author, which sucks because that's the only profession I can imagine myself pursuing.

And here's why:

1. I don't have any work ethic. I'm a lazy, procrastinating bum at heart. I'll get some grand story idea, obsess over it for a few days, write a chapter, and then quit. Once the novelty wears off, I lose any and all enthusiasm, and I go back to being this apathetic sloth who doesn't want to take the effort to write actual words. Man, I just wish novels would write themselves so I could later steal all of the credit!
2. I get writer's block on a frequent basis. Okay, so this might be a bad excuse. Every writer (and non-writer) out there has, at one point in time, experienced the horrifying sensation of writer's block. It's a horrible disease that spreads throughout your body like wildfire, and then proceeds to eat your soul. My problem, however, is that I am stuck under the notion that it is incurable. I never have the strength to get past it. I'm weak of mind, heart, and soul. How dare you expect me to solve my problems when I'm so frail! 
3. I think my plots are so cool when they actually suck. That's a huge problem. I'll think that I have some raw gem that simply needs a mere polishing, and once I finally polish it, it turns out to be one of those fake gems that can be purchased at craft stores and are supposed to super-glued onto artsy stuff that I am never good at making. Back to the point. I'll spend so much time trying to polish an idea that once I finally realize that it actually sucks, I am so disheartened, I swear off writing for a couple months and sulk in a little corner.

So basically, I'm too lazy, pessimistic, and childish to ever produce anything. At least pinpointing my weakness is the first step! The actual hard part is changing my ways, which - believe me! - I have tried before with very little success. I'm destined to fail.

Instead of dreaming big, maybe I should just pursue something a little more realistic. 

This'll be me in 10 years. Just wait and see, ye of little faith!

-Mordant Monkey