Why I'll never be an author

My life-long dream has always been to write my own novel, publish it, make millions, rule the world, and then gleefully watch people I dislike grovel at my feet and beg for me to gift them with my wonderful presence. Realistically, I know that none of things will ever happen, and there's several reasons why they won't. The first step. I'll never be able to get past it. It is physically impossible for me to ever become an author, which sucks because that's the only profession I can imagine myself pursuing.

And here's why:

1. I don't have any work ethic. I'm a lazy, procrastinating bum at heart. I'll get some grand story idea, obsess over it for a few days, write a chapter, and then quit. Once the novelty wears off, I lose any and all enthusiasm, and I go back to being this apathetic sloth who doesn't want to take the effort to write actual words. Man, I just wish novels would write themselves so I could later steal all of the credit!
2. I get writer's block on a frequent basis. Okay, so this might be a bad excuse. Every writer (and non-writer) out there has, at one point in time, experienced the horrifying sensation of writer's block. It's a horrible disease that spreads throughout your body like wildfire, and then proceeds to eat your soul. My problem, however, is that I am stuck under the notion that it is incurable. I never have the strength to get past it. I'm weak of mind, heart, and soul. How dare you expect me to solve my problems when I'm so frail! 
3. I think my plots are so cool when they actually suck. That's a huge problem. I'll think that I have some raw gem that simply needs a mere polishing, and once I finally polish it, it turns out to be one of those fake gems that can be purchased at craft stores and are supposed to super-glued onto artsy stuff that I am never good at making. Back to the point. I'll spend so much time trying to polish an idea that once I finally realize that it actually sucks, I am so disheartened, I swear off writing for a couple months and sulk in a little corner.

So basically, I'm too lazy, pessimistic, and childish to ever produce anything. At least pinpointing my weakness is the first step! The actual hard part is changing my ways, which - believe me! - I have tried before with very little success. I'm destined to fail.

Instead of dreaming big, maybe I should just pursue something a little more realistic. 

This'll be me in 10 years. Just wait and see, ye of little faith!

-Mordant Monkey