Why I'll never be an author

My life-long dream has always been to write my own novel, publish it, make millions, rule the world, and then gleefully watch people I dislike grovel at my feet and beg for me to gift them with my wonderful presence. Realistically, I know that none of things will ever happen, and there's several reasons why they won't. The first step. I'll never be able to get past it. It is physically impossible for me to ever become an author, which sucks because that's the only profession I can imagine myself pursuing.

And here's why:

1. I don't have any work ethic. I'm a lazy, procrastinating bum at heart. I'll get some grand story idea, obsess over it for a few days, write a chapter, and then quit. Once the novelty wears off, I lose any and all enthusiasm, and I go back to being this apathetic sloth who doesn't want to take the effort to write actual words. Man, I just wish novels would write themselves so I could later steal all of the credit!
2. I get writer's block on a frequent basis. Okay, so this might be a bad excuse. Every writer (and non-writer) out there has, at one point in time, experienced the horrifying sensation of writer's block. It's a horrible disease that spreads throughout your body like wildfire, and then proceeds to eat your soul. My problem, however, is that I am stuck under the notion that it is incurable. I never have the strength to get past it. I'm weak of mind, heart, and soul. How dare you expect me to solve my problems when I'm so frail! 
3. I think my plots are so cool when they actually suck. That's a huge problem. I'll think that I have some raw gem that simply needs a mere polishing, and once I finally polish it, it turns out to be one of those fake gems that can be purchased at craft stores and are supposed to super-glued onto artsy stuff that I am never good at making. Back to the point. I'll spend so much time trying to polish an idea that once I finally realize that it actually sucks, I am so disheartened, I swear off writing for a couple months and sulk in a little corner.

So basically, I'm too lazy, pessimistic, and childish to ever produce anything. At least pinpointing my weakness is the first step! The actual hard part is changing my ways, which - believe me! - I have tried before with very little success. I'm destined to fail.

Instead of dreaming big, maybe I should just pursue something a little more realistic. 

This'll be me in 10 years. Just wait and see, ye of little faith!

-Mordant Monkey

Annoying things to do in an elevator

Disclaimer: I take no credit for the contents of this list. I'm merely sharing it, and I hope that you one day, this list will serve as a guideline for your life's goals and ambitions. Additionally, I take no credit for the consequences of your actions if you choose to obey this list. 

And now, I present to you the almighty list of annoying things to do while in an elevator:

1. Walk on with a cooler that is labeled "HUMAN HEAD" on the side.
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
3. Crack open your briefcase of purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?
4. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
5. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
7. Meow occasionally.
8. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
9. Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM" and back away slowly.
10. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
11. Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
12. Annouce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
13. Say "Ding" at each floor.
14. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.
15. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
16. Stare, grinning at another passenger for awhile, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
17. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
18. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
19. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space."
20. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
21. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
22. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
23. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
24. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
25. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
26. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
27. Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
28. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
29. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
30. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
31. Ask, "Did you feel that?"
32. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
33. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
34. Swat at flies that don't exist.
35. Tell people that you can see their aura.
36. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
37. Shave.
38. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
39. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now... motion sickness!"
40. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
41. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
42. Leave a box between the doors.
43. Start a sing-along.
44. One word: Flatulence!
45. Do Tai Chi exercises
46. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
47. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
48. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
49. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
50. Bring a chair along.
51. Lean against the button panel.
52. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.
53. Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

Exciting update :D

I realize that this blog currently has no readers at the moment, but I'm going to make a post anyway because I'm just such a BAMF, I can do whatever the heck I want. So anyhow, I am very happy to announce that one of the original To Keep Your Insanity authors, Eloquent Elephant, will be re-joining our crew! *throws rainbow confetti into the air*

This exciting news warrants another a unicorn much epic-er than the tiny icon I last posted.

You're probably thinking this unicorn is more of a BAMF than I am. 

That would be a correct statement.

Anyhow, just stay on the lookout for more posts from Eloquent Elephant or me (or I? I HATE GRAMMAR).

-Mordant Monkey

Allow me to lure you in with a bedtime story >:D

Hello world, and welcome to my blog! I promise you that it will be a crappy one! (I know nothing of graphics and pretty artwork and whatever the heck else makes a blog successful and/or readable. Although I have been told that pictures of epic unicorns are always helpful.)

You're welcome.

I'm not sure if anyone is ever going to be reading this, but regardless, I'd thought I'd tell a little bedtime story. The story of how this blog came to be. Once upon a time, I was hanging out with my two friends as all teenagers do, bored out of our minds. As we concocted ways to entertain ourselves with ideas of vandalism and late-night paint fights in the middle of the street, one of us suggested we create a blog. We dropped our paint canisters to the floor as we stood there in awe at this strange new idea. Our minds had been officially Inception'd, and it was an mind-blowing experience.

Out of pure whim and boredom, mixed in with our sweat, tears, and blood... voila! The blog To Keep Your Insanity was born! We unleashed it onto the world, and it lived a happy year-long life filled with puppies and rainbows and unicorns before something horrible happened.

It was a late winter evening when I entered the Internet, humming absentmindedly and completely oblivious to the horrible realization that was yet to come. As I typed in the URL address and clicked "enter", my world crashed around me. The blog had been mercilessly murdered, erased from existence without warning. Me and my friends (my friends and I? I HATE GRAMMAR) spent the following weeks bombarding Blogger with e-mail bombs, but to no avail. Our complaints and questions had been ignored, just like when you complain to Domino's Pizza when THEY DELIVER YOU THE WRONG PIZZA (that's a story for another time), and they turn the deaf ear on you. Our blog was gone, and it was gone for good. 

Refusing to be disheartened, we attempted to fashion a new blog, To Keep Your Insanity v.2, but it never reached full fruition. We aborted the blog before it could ever leave its mother's womb. Months passed, and now I, one of the three original To Keep Your Insanity bloggers, have decided to revive this blog for the third (and hopefully final) time. You are, unfortuntely for you, reading it right now. (This is, of course, me operating under the assumption that someone is actually reading this. I don't know how the entire blog-discovery thing works. Are you supposed to advertise or something? Ugh.)

Wish me luck.

 -Mordant Monkey